non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
