Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My dick has a subreddit
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
