we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
