so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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