I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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