I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
