I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
