This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
