Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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