I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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