If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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