apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
