oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
