I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
