Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
