Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
