just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
