Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
