Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
