I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
