How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
