I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
