and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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