I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
