i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
