I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
MIDGETS
????
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
