2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
BRING THE BAGELS
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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