All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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