she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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