So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
