mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
