Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
