I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
