mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
