Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
