two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
