I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
