Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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