best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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