I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
