i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
