He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
