you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
