Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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