I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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