I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
