I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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