im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
