i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
