I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
