he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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