dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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