I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
