I skipped work to stalk him.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Someone stole a lamp last night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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