what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
