You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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