During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
