Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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