Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
