I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
